‘I’m going to scream!’: how to survive (and maybe even enjoy) your family Christmas

Before you see them …

Plan breaks in your schedule
Spending time with difficult family members requires careful planning, says Katie Rose, a therapist registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the founder of TherapEast. “If you’re going to stay with somebody for three or four days, find ways to politely give yourself a break. Go for lunch with friends who live locally, or book a ticket to a museum or a National Trust place so that you have ways of getting yourself out of the house.” Tamara Hoyton, a senior practitioner for Relate at Family Action, agrees that scheduling breaks is a good strategy. “Arrange a trip out, or offer to cook so that you’re away from the living room where everyone else is,” she says.

Practise staying grounded
“If we are coping with difficult situations and conversations, it’s important to stay grounded and present, so that our thoughts and feelings don’t spiral,” says BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer. Practise grounding exercises in advance, so you can use them in tricky moments. Sturmer recommends the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. “Notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste,” she says. “This helps us connect to the environment that we’re in, so we’re more present and less anxious.”

Prepare safe topics of conversation (and ones to avoid)
From politics to parenting styles, there are all kinds of things you might not want to get into with certain family members. Determine what these are and come up with some non-contentious alternatives. You could even prepare some phrases to say if you’re uncomfortable, says Lucy Blake, the author of Home Truths: The Facts and Fictions of Family Life and a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England, whose research focuses on family relationships. “Think about some likely scenarios and ways you could respond,” says Blake. You could try to redirect the conversation and move it on, or say things like, “I find this a difficult topic to talk about”, she suggests. Thinking ahead is key, agrees Rose. “Notice what the difficult conversations are. When you can spot the trap, it’s easier to avoid it,” she says.

Bring a silly game
Come armed with distractions, like group activities or games. But choose carefully – now is not the time for potentially controversial games like Cards Against Humanity. “Bring something innocuous or ridiculous to distract people, like trivia cards, a game or some music you want to share,” says Hoyton.

Gather your support network
At some point, you’ll probably need to vent about your family. Work out who you can lean on, which Blake describes as “gathering your troops”. This could be one person who understands your situation, or a WhatsApp chat with a group of friends – anything to “wrap as much kindness around you as you can”, says Blake. Also, think about who your allies are at the family gathering. “Have a code word for when you’re struggling,” suggests Hoyton. “So if you say, ‘Have we got any bourbon biscuits?’, you’re trying to say, ‘Can you get me out of the room?’”

Fill up your cup
Plan some simple self-care activities that will make you feel good ahead of fraught interactions. Think about “how you can create some joy for yourself”, says Blake, whether that’s making your favourite meals or having a stack of great books to read. Rose echoes this and suggests eating nourishing food, limiting alcohol and getting outside for a walk or run, so that you “come into this situation feeling good about yourself”.

Manage your expectations
“When researchers look at the different qualities of a relationship,” says Blake, “fewer than a quarter of people have those relationships we think of as the ideal – close, warm and supportive. There can be comfort in reminding yourself of what typical actually is.” Look back on previous interactions to “build realistic predictions” of what to expect – think about how you felt last time, what came up and what the trigger points were. According to Hoyton, we place greater expectations on family members than on friends, and should keep things realistic. “Accept that there are limitations in terms of how you get on with that person. Once you’ve made peace with that, your interactions will be different,” she says.

Consider the best-case scenario
If you’re dealing with relatives who you often argue with or who have opposing views to you, it can feel hard to set that aside. Hoyton suggests asking yourself: what do you want out of this? “Is it more important to try to change them, or do you just want to maintain family relations? You might not like them, but at least you’ll get through it.” Visualisations can be powerful, too, says Hoyton. Instead of thinking about things going wrong, visualise the situation in a positive way.

Dig into your feelings
Take some time to reflect on why you find these interactions difficult. “No one wants to spend time with someone who is vindictive, aggressive or judgmental, but when you’re thinking about this person, notice what comes up for you,” says Sturmer. “Those feelings might be anger, frustration, anxiety or embarrassment. Be curious about why they are there. Are they based in the present or the past? Are they rational?” This kind of reflective thinking can provide some perspective, suggests Sturmer. “Once we develop this type of self‑awareness, it can become much easier to understand – and sometimes challenge – our responses.”

On the big day …

Let them do the talking
When talking to a tricky relative, consider their interests. “Think about what will appeal to them in order to diffuse the situation,” says Hoyton. You could ask about a holiday they’ve been on, or their new job. “You might not be remotely interested, so zone out by all means, but let them speak,” says Hoyton. Asking open questions will allow the other person to take the lead, advises Sturmer. “A simple ‘What’s new with you?’ or, ‘What have you been up to since we last got together?’ are the easiest ways to start. Responses like, ‘Tell me more about that’ or ‘How did you end up doing that?’ should keep the conversation flowing.”

Take deep breaths
“It seems maddeningly simple but breathing can make a difference, and the research around it is strong. For example, marines are trained to go into box breathing to change their physiology quickly,” says Blake. Box breathing involves four steps, and you count to four for each one: inhale through your nose, hold your breath, exhale through your nose and then hold your breath. Sturmer is a fan of five‑finger breathing: “Use the index finger of one hand to trace up and down each finger of the other hand, inhaling slowly as you travel up, and exhaling as you move down.”

Rate your feelings
When things get tense or you can feel your anxiety levels rocketing, Hoyton advises thinking about how you’re feeling on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being “I’m going to scream” and one being “I’m really laid back”. “Check in with yourself,” she says. “If it’s at a seven, think about what will get you to a six or a five. What do you need to do? Is it breathing? A distraction? Fresh air? All of those things are legitimate requests.”

Employ exit strategies
Sometimes the best way of avoiding conflict or stress is to remove yourself from the situation. “Make up a friend that’s going to call you, so you can say: ‘Oh, I just remembered, I’m supposed to speak to Hannah,’” says Hoyton. Rose also recommends thinking about ways to “politely extricate yourself from situations”. She adds: “If you feel things getting heated, find a reason to move away, like going to the bathroom or putting the kettle on. Give yourself a bit of space to calm down.” Apps like Calm and Headspace can be handy in these moments, for quick meditations and breathing exercises. “If you avoid the argument, then you don’t get into a situation where everybody’s wound up,” says Rose.

Acknowledge your feelings
If you’re feeling angry or upset during a family gathering, try to practise self-compassion, says Blake. “Appreciate that these moments of anger, hurt, disconnection or isolation are common in family relationships, so let’s not shame ourselves for having them.” She recommends looking up Dr Kristin Neff, who specialises in self‑compassion and has a website with various resources. “She has exercises where you place your hand on your heart, give yourself a reassuring, affirmative, gentle touch, and say things like: ‘This is a moment of struggle, and this is a common struggle.’ It can be helpful.”

After it’s all over …

Write it down
After a fraught few days with family, you might find you can’t stop thinking about how things went. In these moments, it can help to put pen to paper. “If something evokes anxiety in us, we can keep chewing it over and become obsessive. When you write it down, it’s a way of getting it out of your head. What did you experience? What were the feelings? What helped you?” says Hoyton. Sturmer agrees. “There’s a lot of evidence to show that articulating our feelings in a journal can help us to feel less anxious,” she says.

Try therapy
If you’re reeling from the time spent with your family, or you feel you keep repeating the same patterns with them, therapy might help. “Therapy offers a space where you can get to grips with how you feel and how you respond to other people, without fear of judgment,” says Sturmer. “I’m always keen to get to the roots of why we feel the way that we do, to notice why we respond to certain people or situations in certain ways, where these feelings come from, and what it might be like for things to be different.” This could be short-term therapy or a single session, says Rose. “Even a short amount of time spent talking things through can be helpful.”

Reflect on your role
Once the dust has settled, it might be worth digging into exactly what happened and what your role was. “If you’ve stormed into a family environment and created a fuss, sometimes it is about apologising and recognising where you’ve gone wrong, or your part in this interaction,” says Rose. It could be that there was nothing you could do to make things better – in which case, acknowledge that too: “Sometimes, family members are just difficult. Recognise that nothing you do will change the situation, and focus on what you can control, which is your own actions.”

Recharge and relax
“Lean into the things that make you feel good and like yourself,” says Blake. “Connect with your troops – those people with whom you feel safe.” Blake suggests being very intentional with how you spend the days afterwards, whether that’s making plans to speak to people on the phone or see them in person, or getting back into your regular routine and doing hobbies you enjoy. “Seek out the people and places that make your nervous system feel relaxed,” she says.